WHILE staying with the parents back in May I got to watch a lot of kids’ TV with little Siân. Some of it’s good (Oliver, Grandpa’s Gallery), some not good (Siân, I’d chuck myself in front of a bus for you, but Fireman Sam is awful). But one show in particular caught my attention and proved to be 20 minutes of great telly: Waybuloo.
Waybuloo (bear with me here) is what the Teletubbies would have been if a) they’d had CGI and b) weren’t shite. The show follows four characters called Piplings as they explore and interact with their environment. It’s colourful, gentle, calming, and, according to the CBeebies site, “is unique in its exploration of emotions and relationships, taking children on a journey through stories of co-operation, friendship and enjoyment”. Mooka loves it.
So it pretty much comes as no surprise that Christian groups are opposed to the show.
See, part of the programme involves the Pipling characters practising “yogo”, a form of yoga designed specially for the programme by a paediatrician so that children and their parents can get involved with what’s on the screen.
Christians - who apparently spend all their time finding things to be pissed off about - have taken aim at a show aimed at kids aged six and under. Way to make yourselves look even more like whiny little bitches than you already do. This is what Wikipedia says about this totally manufactured controversy:
Waybuloo has faced criticism from some Christian communities, who argue that the programme includes religious aspects of Buddhism and Hinduism such as meditation and enlightenment, and deem that it is unsuitable to teach young children that happiness can be gained from these methods.
Personally I’d have thought teaching little children about happiness would be OK no matter what the method used. As for aspects of Buddhism and Hinduism, I didn’t notice any and was frankly astonished that someone could draw such a conclusion. To me, yogo just looked like a fun activity for kids and a way to get them engrossed in the programme. But then again I don’t spend my life seeing things through a filter of bigotry. Well, except when it comes to rednecks, douchebags, chavs, tools, Republicans, and the effing Kardashians. But that’s not bigotry, that’s just common sense.
On another site the webmaster has this to say:
I wish that the BBC would be so keen to promote wholesome Christian values to our young ones. The only true joy that can be achieved in this life, is in the Lord Jesus Christ. Happiness is a superficial, fleeting emotion, only Christ can give an everlasting true Joy. There is certainly nothing wrong with hugging and physical expressions of our love to our children, but do we really need an eastern philosophy to teach us to do this? If we do, then it is a sad day indeed!
Happiness is “superficial”? The author starts his post by saying how much he loves his grandkids, but sorry youngsters - you’re just a fleeting source of happiness. Some magical hippy who was nailed to a tree means more to your grandad than you do*.
But wait. Let’s be fair. Maybe they have a point. So let’s see the kinds of “wholesome Christian values” I could teach my not-quite-two-year-old niece if I was to pick up a bible and give her some lessons from it.
First off, let’s start with this:
If a man also lie with mankind, as he lieth with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination: they shall surely be put to death; their blood [shall be] upon them. (Leviticus 20:13)
So, Siân, there you are. Christian lesson #1: hate gays and wish them dead. Follow this one and you’ll go a long way in Nazi Germany and the American Midwest.
Here’s another wholesome lesson:
Happy [shall he be], that taketh and dasheth thy little ones against the stones. (Psalms 137:9)
Want to be happy, Mooka? Then kill some kids. Apparently it’s the Christian version of Prozac. I wonder how Mr “only Christ can give an everlasting true Joy” above would feel if someone murdered his grandchildren, because according to the bible he should be pretty OK with it.
Moving on, here’s another teaching you could follow:
And we took all his cities at that time, and utterly destroyed the men, and the women, and the little ones, of every city, we left none to remain. (Deuteronomy 2:34)
The lesson here? Well, the Sixth Commandment says something about “thou shalt not kill” but it’s perfectly OK if those being killed are different to you. Brown, perhaps. And not believing the same myth you do. And living in a country with lots of oil. But anyway…
Siân, you’re a girl. Sorry about that, because according to the bible:
But I suffer not a woman to teach, nor to usurp authority over the man, but to be in silence. (1 Timothy 2:12)
Better get used to living in silence, and obeying men’s every commands, and basically ignoring every progression in women’s rights ever made. According to good ol’ Timothy, you’re basically to STFU and do whatever you’re told.
So, Sian, you’re sitting comfortably, no doubt trying to eat the TV remote, and nan hears me reading you this:
Yet she multiplied her whoredoms, in calling to remembrance the days of her youth, wherein she had played the harlot in the land of Egypt. For she doted upon their paramours, whose flesh [is as] the flesh of asses, and whose issue [is like] the issue of horses. (Ezekiel 23: 19-21)
Wonder how long I’d last before she ripped my head off and drop-kicked it over the hedge? More to the point, I wonder how Christian parents deal with what is, basically, hardcore porn? After all it’s the word of God, and who are they to edit or alter it?
In a similar vein:
And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch. (Ezekiel 23: 19-21)
Now I’m no biblical scholar but weren’t the only people in existence at the time Adam, Eve, Cain and Abel? So where does Cain’s wife come from? Unless… he shagged his mum? So you see, Siân, incest is apparently perfectly OK with Christians. Especially the ones in Kentucky.
But there are some perks to Christianity, Siân. Such as slavery:
Both thy bondmen, and thy bondmaids, which thou shalt have, [shall be] of the heathen that are round about you; of them shall ye buy bondmen and bondmaids. Moreover of the children of the strangers that do sojourn among you, of them shall ye buy, and of their families that [are] with you, which they begat in your land: and they shall be your possession. (Leviticus 25:44, 25:45)
Hey, God condones slavery! Even that of children! Is he from Alabama? But Siân, remember that your slaves can only be heathens. Or, as they’re called these days, “fans of Waybuloo or anyone who doesn’t think like us”.
Finally, my little Mooka, there’s this good wholesome Christian teaching:
If any [man] come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple. (Luke 14:26)
Remember: the only way to really love Jesus is to hate your family. I know it’s harsh but, as you seemingly can only find true happiness through the blessings of some mystical space hippy, you have to hate mum, dad, nan, grandad, me, Ev, and any future siblings. Oh, and you have to hate yourself. Believe me, it’s not difficult, you just have to become a journalist. But I’m sure it’s worth it. After all, as that nice man said, ordinary happiness is only fleeting.
Quick note: I’m indebted to The Dark Bible, a site which has painstakingly gathered all the nastiest bits of the bible in one place to point out that it’s really not the book of happy sparkling love which Christians claim it is and is, in fact, pretty fucking nasty. I’d never read the bible to Siân as quite frankly it’s abhorrent, ridiculous, obscene, bigoted, full of the kind of violence that most Christians claim to oppose and anyway indoctrinating kids is what the Nazis did. And its one basic teaching, “And as ye would that men should do to you, do ye also to them likewise”, is just common bloody sense. Besides, Where The Wild Things Are is much more believable and has a much better life lesson. I’d also like to point out that if any Christians are feeling persecuted by this post, I am an equal-opportunity hater: I hate all religions equally.
*If you visit this site, be sure to check out the “Christian Persecution” section. It has 323 entries which deal not with the Christians’ persecution of pretty much everyone else for the past 2,000 years, but with the perceived persecution of Christians by everyone else. As I said: whiny little bitches.