Hi.

Welcome to Planet Mut. Established in 2004, it’s the perfect outlet for my more sociopathic tendencies. Email me at planetmut@gmail.com.

If you want to read the five years’ worth of archives on the old HTML site, they’re here.

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Matthew Wilkes

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They broke the monitor, too

Our 23″ monitor  —  now with a strip of blown pixels courtesy of our shitty movers.

IT JUST never ends, does it? Today I rearranged my office (christened “the murder room” by Shelley on account of it being red) and thought, “Hey, why am I using the 20-inch monitor when I could be working in style on the 23-inch one?” So off I go to the guest room (guest room, for eff’s sake, guest room) and find it still wrapped in three towels with a large “FRAGILE” sticker on the front.

Unfortunately the epileptic howler monkeys our wrecking moving company employ […]

May 16th, 2011 | Category: Dickheads, House | Leave a comment

There are retards. There are Republicans. And then there are Justin Bieber fans.

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Del4eTJXwp8

THIS video, made by satirical newspaper The Onion, is causing a bit of a stir in the cesspool that is YouTube. Well, it’s causing a stir amongst the 11-year-old girls who just OMG like tooooooooootes love Justin!!1!!1!

The trouble is, your average Justin Bieber fan is not only 11 in age but also in IQ and probably thinks “satire” (or should that be $@t¡R3) is a new rapper. Even my baby niece could see that the video is a pisstake, and a very clever and bloody funny one at that. But no, not the “Beliebers”.

<p style=“text-align: […]

October 6th, 2010 | Category: Dickheads, Music, Unmitigated Shit, Video | 9 comments

The urban paradise that is the downtown Long Beach Wal-Mart

httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5Zqr8fKuSo

Nice to know the thugs and gangstas are running downtown […]

July 1st, 2010 | Category: Dickheads, Long Beach | One comment

Giant chrome wheels…

[…]

June 25th, 2010 | Category: Dickheads, On The Road | Leave a comment

It's been fun, America...

…but after reading this I think I’ll head back to my small, green, sane island. […]

March 25th, 2010 | Category: America, Dickheads, Politics, WTF? | 2 comments

Are you a frigging idiot?

DO YOU think Sarah Palin is a good idea? Do you think Glenn Beck is the Messiah? Is the world going to end in 2012? Do you believe Obama is going to sell America to Kenya and turn you all into Chinese people? Then boy, does this shyster hardworking American patriot have a deal for you:

Only $150 for seeds that’ll see me and my family through the collapse of Western democracy? Holy shit, sign me up. I mean it’s not like you can get non-hybrid seeds cheaper anywhere else, is it? And Jesus H Christ just look at […]

March 12th, 2010 | Category: Dickheads, Video, WTF? | Leave a comment

What the Vick?

SO I’M going through the channels tonight trying to find something to watch when I come across some show called The Michael Vick Project on BET (for those of you lucky enough not to get American telly, that’s Black Entertainment Television). The description reads, “Michael Vick works with the Humane Society of the United States in his efforts to end dogfighting”.

My brain is momentarily befuddled. “Michael Vick?” I think to myself. “Why does that name ring a bell? Wait… that Michael Vick? The sack of shit who was convicted of dogfighting? The reprehensible scum-sucking puke who only did 21 months in […]

February 24th, 2010 | Category: Dickheads, Kill Your Television, Rants, WTF? | 3 comments

Typical. Fecking. Hummer. Driver.

“I’VE got a big truck and vote Republican, so I’ll just park wherever I want.” […]

January 9th, 2010 | Category: Dickheads | Leave a comment