Hi. Welcome to Planet Mut. Established in 2004, it’s the perfect outlet for my more sociopathic tendencies. Email me at planetmut@gmail.com. If you want to read the five years’ worth of archives on the old HTML site, they’re here. |
DEAR British Broadcasting Corporation, BBC America, International Rugby Board and RBS Six Nations: FUCK YOU.
My country is playing for the Grand Slam today. It’s the biggest game since our World Cup semi-final in October last year. And I can’t listen to it. Why? Because your fucking lawyers have decided that it can’t be broadcast in America. Why not? I listened to the 2005, 2006, 2007, 2009, 2010 and 2011 Six Nations matches (I was there for the 2008 Grand Slam match) so why, in 2012, have things been changed?
And could you at least give us some warning? Why tease me by broadcasting […]
DEAR EMRIC:
Once again you’ve let me and Ev down badly. All we had planned for tonight was watching some telly and playing with Mr Fezziwig. But after coming home from getting something to eat and doing some shopping, I’m going to have to clean your turds out of the bath.
Now, Emric, we realise you’ve always had a problem with crapping in the sink and/or bath. No, wait, let me rephrase that. You’ve never had a problem with crapping in the sink and/or the bath. Or the kitchen floor, for that matter. We’re the ones who have a problem with it because […]
DEAR BT INTERNET:
Almost a year ago I pointed out how much you suck sweaty nads after fruitlessly trying to get my dad’s email working using your out-of-date instructions (just to keep you up to speed, I gave up). And here we are in 2011 and you’ve ballsed it up again.
I’m talking this time about the bloody useless broadband service you supply. Before I begin I should be fair and point out that it does work, at least sometimes, which I’m guessing is due to a new policy of making your support staff remove the corporate family jewels from their collective mouths […]
DEAR LIZ:
I’m not sure how to go about this. I mean you are, after all, the monarch of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland and I am but a lowly subject, albeit one who’s 6,000 miles away from your benevolent gaze. But I was reading the news earlier today and was so deeply affected by one story that I have to write to Your Highness and ask a very important question.
How do I go about nominating Charlie Sheen for an honorary knighthood?
Now bear with me, as I realise honorary knighthoods aren’t dealt out willy-nilly to any old Johnny […]
DEAR BT INTERNET:
You suck balls. Big hairy sweaty ones. If there were a pair of greasy unwashed nads in your vicinity, you’d be sucking on them. Your enthusiasm for imbibing gonads is beaten only by your abject shittiness.
Now, BT Internet, you might be wondering what’s brought on this open letter. Well I’ll tell you. I’m trying to verify my dad’s email address because for some unknown and doubtless stupid reason he has to do that before he can send/receive emails. Why does he have to do this? Because you, in your ball-paratrophically piss-poor way, have determined that this is the only […]
|
|
