DEAR British Broadcasting Corporation, BBC America, International Rugby Board and RBS Six Nations: FUCK YOU.
My country is playing for the Grand Slam today. It’s the biggest game since our World Cup semi-final in October last year. And I can’t listen to it. Why? Because your fucking lawyers have decided that it can’t be broadcast in America. Why not? I listened to the 2005, 2006, 2007, 2009, 2010 and 2011 Six Nations matches (I was there for the 2008 Grand Slam match) so why, in 2012, have things been changed?
And could you at least give us some warning? Why tease me by broadcasting […]
BUT I do, oh how I do. Right now, offered the choice between a Chilli Red Mini Cooper S with all the trimmings and a Samsung 4.3 cubic feet, 12-cycle Ultra Capacity Steam Washer with matching laundry pedestal including a storage drawer, I’d take the non-drivable option.
Now I know what you’re thinking; you’re thinking, “But Mut, you’re such a cool and sexy guy. Why the sudden desire for a mundane domestic appliance?” Well, firstly I’d tell you that you’re thinking of the wrong person, and secondly I’d tell you that I’m sick to the bleedin’ gills of sharing laundry facilities with […]
DEAR BT INTERNET:
You suck balls. Big hairy sweaty ones. If there were a pair of greasy unwashed nads in your vicinity, you’d be sucking on them. Your enthusiasm for imbibing gonads is beaten only by your abject shittiness.
Now, BT Internet, you might be wondering what’s brought on this open letter. Well I’ll tell you. I’m trying to verify my dad’s email address because for some unknown and doubtless stupid reason he has to do that before he can send/receive emails. Why does he have to do this? Because you, in your ball-paratrophically piss-poor way, have determined that this is the only […]
Dear Mr Larrson:
I know you carked it back in 2004 and can’t really reply, but I thought I’d drop you a note about your book The Girl Who Played With Fire. I read the first book in your Millenium Trilogy, The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo, a year ago and found it to be pretty good if rather long. But shit, did anyone edit TGWPWF?
Dying of a heart attack shortly after delivering the manuscripts of all three books to your publisher meant you didn’t get to have any say in how they were edited. And I don’t know if the publishers […]
THIS has become Ev’s new mantra to me whenever I blow my lid at someone or something that bloody annoys me. Some muppet cuts the Mini up? “Just say no to negativity.” I come home to discover the Kardashian slags are not only on the living room telly but also on the one in the bedroom, which no one is actually watching? “Just say no to negativity”. Emric’s pissed in the sink? “Just say no to negativity”.
Now I’m the first to admit that I’m a negative person, or in proper medical terms, a miserable bastard. But I don’t see how I […]