Magical Mexican Advent Calendar Of Doom (And Shitty Chocolate)

DURING a trip to Wal­greens tonight we spot­ted the advent cal­en­dar pic­tured above. Not only does it have “Hecho en Mex­ico” writ­ten all over it, it also wouldn’t scan on the register so the har­assed assist­ant let us have it for 99 cents. Once we got home Ev, being the Christ­mas fan­atic she is, opened door No1 hop­ing for a chocol­ate treat only to be con­fron­ted with the unap­pet­ising sight below:

What should have been a sweet treat instead reminded me of the toi­let in my stu­dent house in Houn­slow circa 1992. Ev then real­ised that the num­bers on the doors are prin­ted so badly that she’d actu­ally opened door 13 instead of 1, so hop­ing for more luck this time she prised open the real door No1.

Oh dear.

Decem­ber 2

THE advent cal­en­dar con­tin­ues to provide us with fest­ive treats. I’m going to take a pic of each day and post it up here as a) it’s an easy update for every day of the month and b) it’s too good to miss.

At last - a piece of chocol­ate even more unap­pet­iz­ing than Hershey’s. To be hon­est it looks like some­thing Iestyn curled off in the lit­ter box, and the pat­tern of the tile is just rein­for­cing that com­par­ison. Even though I love choccie I refused to go any­where near this, so Ev stepped up and tried it. She spat it out three seconds later.

Decem­ber 3

This time we got a star, although it looks like instead of using a mould the makers just got a cat to sit on some soft chocol­ate.

Decem­ber 4

“IT’S a puppy!” said Ev as we opened door no4 on our advent cal­en­dar. After long and care­ful study I guessed it was sup­posed to be a duck, although there was one thing for cer­tain: it didn’t mat­ter who was right, it will still be made of saw­dust mixed with creo­sote.

I sup­pose it sort of looks like a duck, in the same way that Madoc looks like a cat. It did go straight in the bin though, which was where I’d liked to have put Madoc after he woke us up at about six in the morn­ing by hav­ing a cough­ing fit. I didn’t know cats could have cough­ing fits and was most put out when Ev refused quite viol­ently to try my rem­edy of punch­ing Madoc in the head.

Decem­ber 5

ONCE again there was some dis­cus­sion ‘twixt Ev and me as to what part of Christ­mas lore this was meant to rep­res­ent. We decided it must be a bell. Or pos­sibly Darth Vader.

We were both wrong - it’s a rock­et­ship with a bell-end. Those ras­cally Mex­ic­ans fooled us again!

Decem­ber 6

Here’s today’s gift from the gods. Whereas Ev used some com­mon sense and guessed it was a horse­shoe, I - still stung by the trav­esty of Wednesday’s inter­galactic cock - once again went for “the toi­let in a cer­tain stu­dent house in Houn­slow, round about Octo­ber 1993. Well, maybe Novem­ber, it was def­in­itely autumn and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t Decem­ber.”

Oh fool­ish us - it’s an ele­phant! How could we have not guessed cor­rectly see­ing as how ele­phants play an enorm­ous role in the story of Christ­mas. For example, Mary and Joseph could have got a room at the inn if only they’d checked Expe­dia and found out about the ele­phant con­ven­tion that had kicked off in Beth­le­hem that week­end. Any­way, there are 18 doors left to open, mean­ing I don’t have to come up with a decent update ’til Christ­mas Day. Lovely.

Decem­ber 7

I’M GOING to make this quick as it’s 2am, so:

EV: “I think it’s a puppy.”

ME: “I think it’s hor­rible chocol­ate.”

BOTH OF US: “Oh, whatever can it be?”

It’s a sleigh. Which is doubt­less wait­ing for a chocol­ate ele­phant to come along and pull it.

Decem­ber 8

IT JUST wouldn’t be an update without the Magical Mex­ican Advent Cal­en­dar Of Doom (And Shitty Chocol­ate)™.

I honest-to-God thought this was a chocol­ate Buddha until I real­ised it’s sup­posed to be an angel/cherub type thingy. Tune in tomor­row for the next thrill­ing install­ment!

Decem­ber 9

OK, LET’S get a move on as it’s gone two in the morn­ing. Door 9 of the Magical Mex­ican Advent Cal­en­dar Of Doom (And Shitty Chocol­ate)™ was opened with excite­ment and anti­cip­a­tion in the kit­chen here at Planet Mut to reveal what appears to be a head­less ghost rendered in piss-poor choccie. But wait a second - see the yel­low rab­bit on the right? Notice how he’s car­ry­ing that wrapped pressie with just one fin­ger. He’s obvi­ously spent sod all on it and is a total cheapskate. That’s how much this cal­en­dar hates you.

It’s a shoot­ing star which appears to have been made by get­ting a cat to sit in soft chocol­ate and then push­ing it slightly to the left.

Decem­ber 10

AS EV is asleep, I’ve had to do this one myself. But it does look famil­iar… I’m guess­ing it’s a sym­bol of the hol­i­day sea­son crudely rendered in shitty chocol­ate.

Hey, I was right!

Decem­ber 11

EV CONFESSED to open­ing Door 11 before I got home tonight but claimed she hadn’t actu­ally taken the “chocol­ate” out. This must be true as if she had, she’d have died laugh­ing before I was halfway down the 605. For tonight’s mas­ter­piece of the art of con­fec­tion­ery is…

…a gnome tak­ing a dump.

Decem­ber 12

Yes, ’tis once again time for the Magical Mex­ican Advent Cal­en­dar Of Doom (And Shitty Chocol­ate)™. This time we were both avail­able for the grand open­ing of Door 12, and to be hon­est were both stumped as to what this poorly-moulded brown lump could pos­sibly rep­res­ent. Ev took the plunge and claimed it was an angel.

Silly girl - it’s a rock­ing horse with what appears to be a huge nob! As if an angel belongs on an advent cal­en­dar. DUH!

Decem­ber 13

DISASTER - we already opened Door 13 when Ev mis­took it for Door 1 back at the start of the month! Looks like you’ll have to tune in tomor­row for advent-calendar-related shenanigans!

Decem­ber 14

Ev was cer­tain that tonight’s offer­ing was a puppy, even going as far as point­ing out which bit is the nose and ears while I - hammered by a stink­ing cold - ate hand­fuls of Sudafed in between swig­ging down another steam­ing mug of Lem­sip.

It’s Santa! To be more pre­cise, it’s what Santa would look like if Jef­frey Dah­mer moul­ded him from chocol­ate after drag­ging his body out of a vat of acid, flay­ing the skin from his face and using it as under­pants for a week.

Decem­ber 15

IS IT a bird? A plane? A 1973 Vaux­hall Chevette?

No, it’s a sheep not even a New Zea­l­and hill farmer would find attract­ive.

Decem­ber 16

On Sunday, Ev guessed that this one might be a Christ­mas cracker and I - in my Lemsip-befuddled state - decided it must be an ele­phant.

Well, DUH - it’s a candle. To give the MMACoD(ASC)™ credit, at least it’s Christ­massy.

Decem­ber 17

I DRAGGED myself from my sickbed to present the weekend’s offer­ings. And remem­ber - I did it just for you.

Fri­day presen­ted us with this mini­ature oilslick. Ev guessed it was a star, I went for a Christ­mas tree.

How wrong we were - it’s a ghost! Or a snow­man! Or pos­sibly the ghost of a snow­man! That solved the mys­tery of Friday’s “treat”.

Decem­ber 18

ONCE again Ev is asleep, so I’m hav­ing to do this myself. After long and care­ful study, I guessed this was a head, in pro­file, facing to the left, with a MASSIVE ear. In case you don’t see it, I spared lit­er­ally every expense knock­ing out this high-tech dia­gram:

See?

My mis­take - it’s a squir­rel. With an LG phone char­ger plugged up his arse.

Decem­ber 19

Ev: “It’s a boot.”

Me: “I’ll be buggered, so it is.”

Decem­ber 20

Ev: “It’s a sleigh.”

Me: “I’ll be buggered, so it is.”

Decem­ber 21

Ev: “It’s a mush­room.”

Me: “ARE YOU CHEATING?”

Decem­ber 22

Ev thought this one could be a straw­berry. Or a bauble. I didn’t get a chance to offer an opin­ion before she’d had a look.

It’s a heart. At least it wasn’t another nob-endowed straw­berry like Door 5 gave us.

Decem­ber 23

This one had us both scratch­ing our heads until Ev ven­tured the sug­ges­tion that it could be a pen­guin.

I think it’s sup­posed to be one of the Three Wise Men, although it could just as likely be Gan­dalf. Now there’s just one door left on the MMACoD(ASC)™ and it’s twice the size of the oth­ers. We can­not wait to open it and see what Christ­mas sym­bol has been poorly rendered in crappy chocol­ate. So tune in tomor­row to find out!

Decem­ber 24

SO HERE we are. Finally. Door 24 and the end of our near-month long odys­sey through the Magical Mex­ican Advent Cal­en­dar Of Doom (And Shitty Chocol­ate)™ beck­ons. Or rather beckoned, as this pic was taken after we’d opened it, looked at the chocol­ate and chucked it out. Sorry about that but it just didn’t occur to me to take a photo of the double doors at the time. Duh.

First we opened the left side of the door to dis­cover the scam­ming gits who made this crappy cal­en­dar have just stuck a normal-size piece of chocol­ate in there and not the super­sized chunk of utter dis­ap­point­ment we were hop­ing for.

The right door was flung open in a fit of anger to reveal a poo-filled bal­loon. Ev - who is always on the ball in the highly-competitive sub­cul­ture of crappy Mex­ican chocol­ate iden­ti­fic­a­tion - claimed it was sup­posed to be a cres­cent moon. After real­ising that “poo-filled bal­loon” is some­thing not even the most des­per­ate Mex­ican sweat­shop is liable to put in an advent cal­en­dar, I agreed with her assess­ment.

Once again Ev was right and I was left to choke back tears of bit­ter­ness.

Decem­ber 25