DURING a trip to Walgreens tonight we spotted the advent calendar pictured above. Not only does it have “Hecho en Mexico” written all over it, it also wouldn’t scan on the register so the harassed assistant let us have it for 99 cents. Once we got home Ev, being the Christmas fanatic she is, opened door No1 hoping for a chocolate treat only to be confronted with the unappetising sight below:
What should have been a sweet treat instead reminded me of the toilet in my student house in Hounslow circa 1992. Ev then realised that the numbers on the doors are printed so badly that she’d actually opened door 13 instead of 1, so hoping for more luck this time she prised open the real door No1.
Oh dear.
December 2
THE advent calendar continues to provide us with festive treats. I’m going to take a pic of each day and post it up here as a) it’s an easy update for every day of the month and b) it’s too good to miss.
At last — a piece of chocolate even more unappetizing than Hershey’s. To be honest it looks like something Iestyn curled off in the litter box, and the pattern of the tile is just reinforcing that comparison. Even though I love choccie I refused to go anywhere near this, so Ev stepped up and tried it. She spat it out three seconds later.
December 3
This time we got a star, although it looks like instead of using a mould the makers just got a cat to sit on some soft chocolate.
December 4
“IT’S a puppy!” said Ev as we opened door no4 on our advent calendar. After long and careful study I guessed it was supposed to be a duck, although there was one thing for certain: it didn’t matter who was right, it will still be made of sawdust mixed with creosote.
I suppose it sort of looks like a duck, in the same way that Madoc looks like a cat. It did go straight in the bin though, which was where I’d liked to have put Madoc after he woke us up at about six in the morning by having a coughing fit. I didn’t know cats could have coughing fits and was most put out when Ev refused quite violently to try my remedy of punching Madoc in the head.
December 5
ONCE again there was some discussion ‘twixt Ev and me as to what part of Christmas lore this was meant to represent. We decided it must be a bell. Or possibly Darth Vader.
We were both wrong — it’s a rocketship with a bell-end. Those rascally Mexicans fooled us again!
December 6
Here’s today’s gift from the gods. Whereas Ev used some common sense and guessed it was a horseshoe, I — still stung by the travesty of Wednesday’s intergalactic cock — once again went for “the toilet in a certain student house in Hounslow, round about October 1993. Well, maybe November, it was definitely autumn and I’m pretty sure it wasn’t December.”
Oh foolish us — it’s an elephant! How could we have not guessed correctly seeing as how elephants play an enormous role in the story of Christmas. For example, Mary and Joseph could have got a room at the inn if only they’d checked Expedia and found out about the elephant convention that had kicked off in Bethlehem that weekend. Anyway, there are 18 doors left to open, meaning I don’t have to come up with a decent update ’til Christmas Day. Lovely.
December 7
I’M GOING to make this quick as it’s 2am, so:
EV: “I think it’s a puppy.”
ME: “I think it’s horrible chocolate.”
BOTH OF US: “Oh, whatever can it be?”
It’s a sleigh. Which is doubtless waiting for a chocolate elephant to come along and pull it.
December 8
IT JUST wouldn’t be an update without the Magical Mexican Advent Calendar Of Doom (And Shitty Chocolate)™.
I honest-to-God thought this was a chocolate Buddha until I realised it’s supposed to be an angel/cherub type thingy. Tune in tomorrow for the next thrilling installment!
December 9
OK, LET’S get a move on as it’s gone two in the morning. Door 9 of the Magical Mexican Advent Calendar Of Doom (And Shitty Chocolate)™ was opened with excitement and anticipation in the kitchen here at Planet Mut to reveal what appears to be a headless ghost rendered in piss-poor choccie. But wait a second — see the yellow rabbit on the right? Notice how he’s carrying that wrapped pressie with just one finger. He’s obviously spent sod all on it and is a total cheapskate. That’s how much this calendar hates you.
It’s a shooting star which appears to have been made by getting a cat to sit in soft chocolate and then pushing it slightly to the left.
December 10
AS EV is asleep, I’ve had to do this one myself. But it does look familiar… I’m guessing it’s a symbol of the holiday season crudely rendered in shitty chocolate.
Hey, I was right!
December 11
EV CONFESSED to opening Door 11 before I got home tonight but claimed she hadn’t actually taken the “chocolate” out. This must be true as if she had, she’d have died laughing before I was halfway down the 605. For tonight’s masterpiece of the art of confectionery is…
…a gnome taking a dump.
December 12
Yes, ’tis once again time for the Magical Mexican Advent Calendar Of Doom (And Shitty Chocolate)™. This time we were both available for the grand opening of Door 12, and to be honest were both stumped as to what this poorly-moulded brown lump could possibly represent. Ev took the plunge and claimed it was an angel.
Silly girl — it’s a rocking horse with what appears to be a huge nob! As if an angel belongs on an advent calendar. DUH!
December 13
DISASTER — we already opened Door 13 when Ev mistook it for Door 1 back at the start of the month! Looks like you’ll have to tune in tomorrow for advent-calendar-related shenanigans!
December 14
Ev was certain that tonight’s offering was a puppy, even going as far as pointing out which bit is the nose and ears while I — hammered by a stinking cold — ate handfuls of Sudafed in between swigging down another steaming mug of Lemsip.
It’s Santa! To be more precise, it’s what Santa would look like if Jeffrey Dahmer moulded him from chocolate after dragging his body out of a vat of acid, flaying the skin from his face and using it as underpants for a week.
December 15
IS IT a bird? A plane? A 1973 Vauxhall Chevette?
No, it’s a sheep not even a New Zealand hill farmer would find attractive.
December 16
On Sunday, Ev guessed that this one might be a Christmas cracker and I — in my Lemsip-befuddled state — decided it must be an elephant.
Well, DUH — it’s a candle. To give the MMACoD(ASC)™ credit, at least it’s Christmassy.
December 17
I DRAGGED myself from my sickbed to present the weekend’s offerings. And remember — I did it just for you.
Friday presented us with this miniature oilslick. Ev guessed it was a star, I went for a Christmas tree.
How wrong we were — it’s a ghost! Or a snowman! Or possibly the ghost of a snowman! That solved the mystery of Friday’s “treat”.
December 18
ONCE again Ev is asleep, so I’m having to do this myself. After long and careful study, I guessed this was a head, in profile, facing to the left, with a MASSIVE ear. In case you don’t see it, I spared literally every expense knocking out this high-tech diagram:
See?
My mistake — it’s a squirrel. With an LG phone charger plugged up his arse.
December 19
Ev: “It’s a boot.”
Me: “I’ll be buggered, so it is.”
December 20
Ev: “It’s a sleigh.”
Me: “I’ll be buggered, so it is.”
December 21
Ev: “It’s a mushroom.”
Me: “ARE YOU CHEATING?”
December 22
Ev thought this one could be a strawberry. Or a bauble. I didn’t get a chance to offer an opinion before she’d had a look.
It’s a heart. At least it wasn’t another nob-endowed strawberry like Door 5 gave us.
December 23
This one had us both scratching our heads until Ev ventured the suggestion that it could be a penguin.
I think it’s supposed to be one of the Three Wise Men, although it could just as likely be Gandalf. Now there’s just one door left on the MMACoD(ASC)™ and it’s twice the size of the others. We cannot wait to open it and see what Christmas symbol has been poorly rendered in crappy chocolate. So tune in tomorrow to find out!
December 24
SO HERE we are. Finally. Door 24 and the end of our near-month long odyssey through the Magical Mexican Advent Calendar Of Doom (And Shitty Chocolate)™ beckons. Or rather beckoned, as this pic was taken after we’d opened it, looked at the chocolate and chucked it out. Sorry about that but it just didn’t occur to me to take a photo of the double doors at the time. Duh.
First we opened the left side of the door to discover the scamming gits who made this crappy calendar have just stuck a normal-size piece of chocolate in there and not the supersized chunk of utter disappointment we were hoping for.
The right door was flung open in a fit of anger to reveal a poo-filled balloon. Ev — who is always on the ball in the highly-competitive subculture of crappy Mexican chocolate identification — claimed it was supposed to be a crescent moon. After realising that “poo-filled balloon” is something not even the most desperate Mexican sweatshop is liable to put in an advent calendar, I agreed with her assessment.
Once again Ev was right and I was left to choke back tears of bitterness.
December 25
Just had to read this again. Will you do a calendar this year? You make me laugh! I love the way you write.
I was recommended this blog by my sister. She was totally right, thanks!