A

AGGRO

Short for aggrav­a­tion. Gen­er­ally means trouble, usu­ally involving viol­ence. Many of Britain’s quaint mar­ket towns are full of aggro on Fri­day and Sat­urday nights.

ALL OVER THE SHOP

Some­thing that’s a mess or is dir­ec­tion­less. “Their defence is all over the bloody shop.”

ALL RIGHT?

A gen­eral greet­ing. Say­ing “All right?” (more usu­ally pro­nounced “Orwight?”) is the equi­val­ent of “Hello!”. Say­ing “Are you all right?” is gen­er­ally reserved for talk­ing to someone who’s just fallen off a lad­der.

ANKLE-BITER

A small child.

ANORAK

What Amer­ic­ans call a geek or nerd. Named after the kind of coats worn by train­spot­ters. Can also be used to show your con­tempt for anor­aks by inter­rupt­ing their debate on the best kind of video card by say­ing, “Hang on, I’ll get me anorak.”

ARSE

Your back­side. In Amer­ican this is “ass” but “arse” just sounds bet­ter. Can also be to describe lazi­ness, as in “I couldn’t be arsed to go to the shops” or if you’ve messed some­thing up - “That was a right half-arsed attempt”.

ARSEHOLED

Drunk.

ARSEHOLES

Exas­per­a­tion upon, say, drop­ping your keys down the toi­let: “Oh arse­holes!”

ARSE ABOUT FACE

Some­thing that’s back to front, eg: “We were put­ting the book­case together when I real­ised the shelves were arse-about-face.”

ARSE BISCUITS

An expres­sion of dis­gust, far more col­our­ful than just say­ing “shit”. Typ­ical usage: “I’ve run out of cigar­ettes! Oh, arse bis­cuits!” As bis­cuits are what Amer­ic­ans call cook­ies and your arse is your back­side, the very concept of an arse bis­cuit is just superb. No idea where this one came from, except Flynn uses it a lot and he’s got a doc­tor­ate so he must know what he’s on about.

ARSE FROM ELBOW

Gen­er­ally used to describe someone (usu­ally in man­age­ment) who doesn’t have a clue what he/she is doing: “Jesus, so-and-so doesn’t know his arse from his elbow.”

ARSE GRAPES

Hem­or­rhoids, piles.

B

B’THERE

The Welsh pro­noun­ci­ation of “by there”.

B’YER

The Welsh pro­noun­ci­ation of “by here”.

BACCY

Roll-your-own tobacco.

BACK END OF A BUS

If you see a woman whose vis­age could turn humans to stone, she has a face like the back end of a bus.

BALLS-UP

Some­thing that’s gone really badly wrong: “Spurs made a right balls-up of that attack.”

BANGER

Slang for a saus­age, can also refer to a crappy old car.

BARMY

Used to describe someone who’s mad. A per­son who’s barmy is a nut­ter.

BEE’S KNEES

A polite way of say­ing something’s great or the best: “That tea party was the bee’s knees!” The ruder ver­sion is com­ing up in a minute.

BELL END

The end of your willy.

BELT UP

Shut up, stop talk­ing.

BENDER

It’s got two mean­ings: a gay man (“He’s a bit of a bender”) or a piss-up (“We were out on a bender last night and my head’s killing me.”) The second one is less used, for obvi­ous reas­ons. Then again, this is com­ing from someone who stood up in a Cali­for­nian res­taur­ant and announced he was going out­side for a fag.

BERK

A clas­sic Brit­ish one, if you call someone a berk then they’re an idiot.

BIRD

Girl­friend, or just women in gen­eral.

BIT OF STUFF

A bird or mis­tress, usu­ally younger than the man she’s see­ing.

BLADDERED

Very drunk.

BLEEDING

Means the same as “bloody”. Things can be bleed­ing awful, someone can be bleed­ing stu­pid, and people can state the bleed­ing obvi­ous. Leave the “g” off for the full Brit­ish effect.

BLIMEY

A mild state­ment of suprise: “We beat Eng­land? Blimey!” It’s a muta­tion of the 17th-century curse “God blind me!”

BLINDING

Some­thing that’s a blind­ing suc­cess means it went fant­ast­ic­ally well. Can also be used as a gen­eral sum-up word: “How was the game against France?” “Blind­ing!” Again, the final “g” is optional.

BLOKE

A man.

BLOODY

Christ, where do I start? One of the greatest all-round swear words in exist­ence. You name it, it can be bloody: bloody mar­vel­lous, bloody great, bloody awful, bloody stu­pid, bloody crap… the list goes on. Also used to denote sur­prise (“bloody hell!”) or for emphasis (“you’re bloody jok­ing”, “not bloody likely”). Truly the Swiss Army Knife of swear words.

BLOOMING

Sub­sti­tute “bloom­ing” for “bloody” if you’re in polite com­pany.

BLOWER

The tele­phone.

BODGE

To get some­thing wrong: “The plumber did a right bodge-job on those pipes.”

BOG

The toi­let.

BOG ALL

No chance.

BOG OFF

Get lost.

BOG ROLL

Toi­let paper.

BOGTROTTER

Slang for an Irish per­son.

BOILER

An ugly woman. How­ever, a tidy boiler is a good-looking woman.

BOLLOCKS

Again, one of the top-rank Brit­ish swear words, up there in the pan­theon of the gods with “bloody” and “bug­ger”. Bol­locks are your testicles and the word itself dates well back to the middle ages. If something’s bol­locks, it’s crap. If it’s really crap, it’s a load of steam­ing bol­locks. If someone tells you some­thing you think is lies, you’re well within your rights to reply with “You’re talk­ing bol­locks!” How­ever (and this just shows the great­ness of the word) if some­thing is the dog’s bol­locks it’s the best thing ever. A quick ref­er­ence: Rap is bol­locks, whereas any­thing by The Smiths is the dog’s bol­locks. See? Easy.

BOLLOCKING

To give someone a bol­lock­ing means to give them a severe telling off. “I got a right bol­lock­ing for crash­ing the car.”

BOLLOXED

Extremely drunk. Thanks for that one, Laura!

BOMB

If something’s expens­ive, it costs a bomb. If a car goes fast, it goes like a bomb. If an event went really well, it went down like a bomb.

BONCE

Your head.

BONK

Sex.

BONKERS

Crazy or mad.

BONNET

What Amer­ic­ans call a hood, we call a bon­net.

BOOT

What Amer­ic­ans call a trunk, we call a boot.

BOTCH

Same as bodge.

BOTTLE

Cour­age. Walk­ing into a para­troop­ers’ mess and announ­cing you thought only fair­ies had wings takes a lot of bottle.

BOTTLED IT

Los­ing your cour­age. If you told your mates you were going to walk into a para­troop­ers’ mess and announce you thought only fair­ies had wings and changed your mind at the last minute, you bottled it.

BOY RACER

The kind of teen­age male who buys a crappy 400 quid Ford Orion and imme­di­ately attempts to make it look like a racing car by adding stick­ers, neon pink wind­screen wiper cov­ers, spot­lights, spoil­ers, fake alloy wheels, a 200 gigawatt ste­reo and tin­ted win­dows in the belief that this makes their nob big­ger. Can be found in their nat­ural hab­itat of Safeway’s car park com­par­ing ste­reo power, racing each other around the streets of small mar­ket towns or hanging around schools try­ing to impress 14-year-old girls.

BRASS

North­ern Eng­land slang for money.

BRASSIC

Broke, pot­less.

BRILL

Short for “bril­liant”.

BRUMMIE

Name for any­one from the city of Birm­ing­ham or any­one with a Birm­ing­ham accent. People from Wol­ver­hamp­ton hate being called Brummies (even though they sound just like them), so if you know one make sure to call him a Brummie at every avail­able oppor­tun­ity.

BUGGER

Another one that deserves a web­site all to its own. This word has more uses than some­thing that’s very use­ful indeed. At its most basic, a gen­eral exclam­a­tion of anger: “Bug­ger!” When you’re put­ting up shelves and you whack your thumb with a ham­mer, “bug­ger it!” is a per­fectly accept­able way to announce that you’re annoyed. If you want someone to go away, tell them to bug­ger off. If you’ve had a long day at work/driving/shopping and you’re tired out, you’re buggered. If you’re 22-0 down and there’s five seconds left on the clock, your team’s buggered. When you real­ise you’ve won twenty mil­lion on the lot­tery, you’re a lucky bug­ger. I can hon­estly say (given the num­ber of times I’ve heard this over my life) that this is is my dad’s favour­ite swear word. And if you want to know the ori­ginal mean­ing of bug­ger, use Google.

BUGGER ALL

Noth­ing, next to noth­ing. “Are you sure I can’t buy this CD? It costs bug­ger all.” Cur­rently in use as the best way to describe England’s chances of win­ning any­thing in the Six Nations.

BUGGER OFF

Go away, get lost.

BUGGERED UP

Either some­thing that’s messed up (“it’s buggered up”) or some­thing you’ve made a mess of (“I’ve buggered it up.”)

BUM

Your arse.

BUMMER

A gay man.

BUMMING

What gay men do.

BUMPS

A birth­day cel­eb­ra­tion involving a bunch of your mates pick­ing you up and throw­ing you up and down accord­ing to how old you were that day. The num­ber of bump cel­eb­ra­tions that ended in post­ings meant kids would rather skive school than go in on their birth­day.

BUNCH OF ARSE

Some­thing that’s crap or a waste of time.

BUNG

Throw. If your wife is watch­ing a load of crap on telly and you want to change the chan­nel but she has the remote, you’d say “Bung the remote over.” She’d refuse, but at least you tried.

BUTCHER’S

From the Cock­ney rhym­ing slang “butcher’s hook” for “look”. “Let’s have a butcher’s” means “Let me have a look.”

C

CACK

Crap.

CACK-HANDED

Used to describe a job that’s been botched or someone who’s hope­less at DIY. “Don’t let him put the shelves up, he’s right cack-handed.”

CHAIR WORRIER

Yet another term for a fat per­son.

CHAR

Tea.

CHAT UP

To chat someone up is to try to pick them up. If you saw a bloke/bird you fan­cied across a smoke-filled pub, you’d chat them up.

CHAV

A recent one, used to describe the kind of council-estate dwell­ing, benefit-scrounging scum­bags who seem to be Britain’s only growth industry. Chavs can be spot­ted by their base­ball caps, hooded tops, gold jew­ellery (the more taste­less the bet­ter), branded sportswear and white train­ers. Their ages range from 10 and up. Will usu­ally be seen driv­ing an Escort, Cava­lier, Nova (not the Chevy kind) or Orion adorned with stick­ers, crap spoil­ers, a fake tax disc and alloy wheels worth more than the actual car. Will gen­er­ally have a mobile phone with a hideous cover super­glued to one ear. Musical tastes include dance, R’n’B and rap, although all Chavs are white and would last about 0.05 nano­seconds in Compton. Female chavs are even worse, and invari­ably blonde.

CHEEKY

If you’re being flip­pant or you’ve said some­thing out of turn, you’re cheeky. Usu­ally lengthened to “you cheeky mon­key”.

CHEERIO

Good­bye. “I’m off now.” “Cheerio.”

CHEERS

Not just used as a toast when drink­ing, it can also mean thanks. “Here’s your lighter back.” “Cheers.”

CHEESED OFF

A far more polite way of say­ing you’re pissed off.

CHIP BUTTY

A Brit­ish del­ic­acy. Take two slices of bread, slaver them lib­er­ally with but­ter, put a hand­ful of chips (steak fries to the Amer­ic­ans) on one slice, put the other on top and mash down with the palm of the hand. Tomato or HP Sauce is optional, but always wel­come.

CHIPPY

The fish-and-chip shop.

CHOCKER

Full up. “Can we get any more shop­ping in the boot?” “No chance, it’s chocker.”

CHOKER

Some­thing that was a massive dis­ap­point­ment. “We should have won that game, it was a right choker.”

CHUCK

Throw, as in “Chuck it over here”. Used as a term of endear­ment in the north of Eng­land: “Thanks, chuck.” But that’s North­ern­ers for you.

CHUCK UP

To throw up, vomit.

CHUFFED

Pleased with some­thing. If you’re really pleased, you’re chuffed to bits.

CHUGGER

A very new term mean­ing char­ity mug­ger. I haven’t seen these in Cali­for­nia yet, but the bug­gers plagued Cardiff like crappy ring­tones at a teenager’s birth­day party. A chug­ger is one of those people who stands in the street with a big brightly-coloured top and a clip­board soli­ti­cing dona­tions to some worthy cause. The only time a mobile phone comes in handy is when you pre­tend you’re talk­ing on one to evade chug­gers.

CLAG

The little bits of fluff that get stuck to the inside of your bum­cheeks. Also knows as win­nits or tangle­ber­ries.

CLARET

Blood.

CLASSIC

If something’s clas­sic, it’s good, great, fant­astic. Also used to describe some­thing that’s typ­ical: “I see your dad’s put the shelves up at an angle again.” “Yeah, that’s clas­sic dad.”

CLEAR OFF

Get lost, sod off.

CLOCKED

To spot some­thing or to be seen. “I think he’s clocked us.”

COBBLERS

Basic­ally the same as bol­locks, although a tad more polite. You can talk cob­blers, some­thing can be com­plete cob­blers.

COCK-UP

A mis­take, some­thing that’s gone wrong. If you attemp­ted to install a digital radio receiver in your Subaru and got the wires the wrong way round, you cocked it up.

CODSWALLOP

No idea where this one ori­gin­ates from, but “that’s a load of codswal­lop” means you’re talk­ing rub­bish.

COME AND HAVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOU’RE HARD ENOUGH

If you’re leav­ing a soc­cer match and one group of sup­port­ers shouts this at a group of the oppos­ing team’s sup­port­ers, leg it.

COP AN UNFORTUNATE ONE

To be hit or threatened with viol­ence. “You’ll cop an unfor­tu­nate one if you don’t stop wind­ing me up!”

COP HOLD

Cop­ping hold of some­thing means to take hold or have a look at it.

COP IT

To get in trouble. “Let’s get out of here before we cop it.”

COP OUT

To back out of some­thing, go back on a prom­ise or chicken out. Most Hol­ly­wood end­ings are cop-outs.

COR!

An expres­sion of sur­prise. Usu­ally heard in the clas­sic “cor blimey!” team-up.

CORKER

Some­thing that leaves you gobsmacked. “That goal was a right corker.” Not used that much these days.

COSMIC

Either used to describe some­thing great, or used sar­castic­ally to describe some­thing not great.

COULDN’T GIVE A MONKEYS

Use this as a response if someone’s asked you about some­thing you couldn’t care less about.

COULDN’T GIVE A TOSS

See above.

COW

Derog­at­ory term for a woman, usu­ally one who’s moody or a pain in the arse.

CRACKER

Some­thing that’s great. Can also be used to describe a good-looking girl (“she’s a right cracker”).

CRACKING

If it’s crack­ing, it’s the best. My nan made crack­ing gravy, a skill my mum sadly failed to inherit.

CRIKEY!

Another exclam­a­tion of sur­prise.

CRIVVENS!

An archaic exclam­a­tion of sur­prise. Briefly came back into use on the Celtic News­pa­pers design desk circa 1997 when Matt Mer­ritt vali­antly tried to get it into a head­line, defeated only by our verbal abuse and a rapidly-approaching dead­line.

CUPPA

A cup of tea.

D

DAFT

If you’re daft, you’re stu­pid or silly.

DAPS

Finally a Welsh one. What Amer­ic­ans call sneak­ers the Eng­lish call train­ers, and what the Eng­lish call train­ers the Welsh call daps.

DEAR

Expens­ive.

DESMOND

If you do a degree and get a 2:2, you’ve got a Des­mond. Named after Des­mond Tutu.

DIDDLE

If you diddle someone, you ripped them off.

DIM

Someone who’s dim is thick or stu­pid.

DIPSTICK

A wally or plonker. Someone who’s stu­pid.

DISHY

If someone’s dishy, they’re attract­ive.

DO

An event or party. A wed­ding qual­i­fies as a “do”, as does a birth­day party: “I’m going to a do tonight.” Also used for as a slang term for pro­sec­ute - if the police do you, you’ve been charged with some­thing.

DODDLE

Some­thing that’s easy or went well is a doddle. “How was the drive home?” “A doddle.”

DODGY

Either some­thing or someone who isn’t to be trus­ted (“Don’t go to Brix­ton, it’s a dodgy area”) or some­thing that doesn’t look/feel safe (“That car looks a bit dodgy”).

DOG’S DINNER

Some­thing that’s a com­plete and utter mess. “How’s the page look­ing?” “Like a dog’s din­ner.”

DOING MY HEAD IN

“Get him away from me, he’s doing my head in” means “Kindly remove this per­son, he is driv­ing me insane.”

DOING YOUR NUT

If you’re doing your nut it means you’re going mad, usu­ally over a prob­lem you’re try­ing to solve. I’m cur­rently doing my nut writ­ing this page.

DON’T FANCY YOURS MUCH

Not the most dip­lo­matic thing to say if one of your mates turns up with a minger on his arm.

DONE

If you’ve been done, you’ve been conned.

DONE UP LIKE A KIPPER

If you’ve been done up like a kip­per, it means you’ve been framed.

DONKEY’S YEARS

I have no idea where this one came from but it means a long time or ages. You’d be safe in say­ing “I haven’t seen you in donkey’s years!” to someone you hadn’t seen in ages. Update: The esteemed Dr JP Flynn Esq seems to think “donkey’s years” is a pun on “donkey’s ears”, which are long. He’s the one with the doc­tor­ate, so who am I to argue?

DOSH

Money.

DOUGLAS

Rhym­ing slang for a third-class degree. Douglas Hurd = third.

DROP A CLANGER

To make a mis­take. “Who’s that old bag?” “That’s my mother.” “Christ I’ve dropped a clanger.” Has noth­ing to do with the clas­sic BBC kids’ show.

DROP ME BACON SANDWICH

Massively pop­u­lar in 1995 thanks to “Loaded” magazine. An exclam­a­tion of sur­prise. “Here’s that twenty quid I owe you.” “Drop me bacon sand­wich!”

DUFF

Some­thing that’s broken or doesn’t work prop­erly. “Up the duff”, how­ever, means preg­nant.

DUFF UP

Beat up.

DUFFER

An old per­son, eg: “How many points to you reckon that old duffer’s worth if I run him over?”

DUR-BRAIN

An idiot. I remem­ber this one could be shortened to “duuuuuuuuuuurrrrrrrrrrr!!” if someone had spacked up.

E

EARNER

A source of money, usu­ally exten­ded to “a nice little earner”. Gen­er­ally received by doing some­thing dis­hon­est.

ENGAGED

Not just the begin­ning of the end of your life, to be engaged also means to be on the phone. “Did you get through to Gareth?” “No, the git’s engaged.”

EPPY

To throw a fit, get in a tem­per.

F

FACE ON A STICK

A skinny woman.

FAFF

Another old one, pretty much out of use these days. People can be told to faff off, if you’re mess­ing around you’re faff­ing about.

FAG

Cigar­ette. Ask­ing someone in Bri­tain where you can get fags will not res­ult in the reac­tion I got when I asked an Amer­ican.

FANCY

To like or want some­thing, eg: “I fancy a cuppa.” Also, if you see a bird/bloke you really like, you fancy them.

FECK

Prob­ably unknown in main­land Bri­tain until the TV show “Father Ted”. Whether this is a real word or just made up to allow loads of pseudo-swearing on telly I don’t know, but it’s great. Like bloody it has a mil­lion bil­lion uses - feck it, feck you, feck­ing hell, for feck’s sake. I take no respons­ib­il­ity if one of you decides to tell your mum to feck off.

FILBERT

Your brain. “Use your fil­bert!” Comes from a nut-bearing tree grown in Europe. Thanks to Ga for this one.

FILCH

To steal some­thing. “Where’s the car?” “Some bastard’s filched it.”

FIT

An attract­ive bird. “Seen that new girl in advert­ising?” “Yeah, she’s well fit.”

FIVER

Short way of say­ing five pounds (ster­ling, not the weight). “Can any­one lend me a fiver?”

FLASH

A per­son or a thing that’s showy, brash. For example, a Fer­rari is a flash car.

FLASH HARRY

A per­son who is osten­ta­tious in their choice of clothes, jew­ellery, cars. “Do you know so-and-so? He’s a right Flash Harry.”

FLIPPING

If you’re in polite com­pany and you can’t use a cer­tain f-word, use flip­ping hell or flip­ping heck.

FLOG

To sell some­thing - you can flog your car, your telly etc.

FLUKE

A chance hap­pen­ing that’s good - pot­ting all the pool balls on the first shot would be a fluke.

FLUTTER

A bet. To have a flut­ter on the gee-gees means you’re put­ting a bet on a horse race.

FORREST GUMP

To have a For­rest is to take a dump.

FORTNIGHT

Two weeks.

FRONT

To be brash, have a load of con­fid­ence. “Look at him, he’s got more front than Black­pool.”

FULL ENGLISH

A tra­di­tional Eng­lish break­fast is bacon and eggs. A “full Eng­lish” is the works: bacon, eggs, saus­age, fried bread, toma­toes, mush­rooms, toast, black pud­ding, tea, HP Sauce, all cooked in three inches of lard.

FULL MONTY

Around for donkey’s years before becom­ing known for get­ting your kit off. Basic­ally means to go the whole way. Can also be used to describe a full Eng­lish: “What do you want for brekkies?” “I’ll have the full monty, please.”

FULL SP

Inform­a­tion. “I got the full SP off the cop­per.”

G

GAFF

A house or home. “I’ll pop round your gaff later.”

GAGGING

Des­per­a­tion. If you’re gag­ging for some­thing, you want it very very badly. Usu­ally used to describe women: “Look at her - she’s gag­ging for it!”

GANDER

To take a look. “I’m just going for a gander round town.”

GANDHI’S REVENGE

The res­ult of eat­ing too hot a curry the night before. The shits.

GANNET

Someone who eats a lot.

GEOFF

A first-class degree. Geoff Hurst = first.

GET STUFFED

An abrupt but not too rude of telling someone to go away. “Can I bor­row a fiver?” “Get stuffed!”

GET YOUR KIT OFF

To take your clothes off. A chav’s idea of fore­play.

GETTING ON MY TITS

“You’re get­ting on my tits” means “You’re annoy­ing me greatly”.

GIT

Someone who’s a pain in the arse or who you don’t like.

GIVE US A BELL

If someone asks you to give them a bell, it means they want you to phone them.

GLASGOW KISS

A head-butt. Named after the delight­ful Scot­tish city of Glas­gow and the nut­ters who live there.

GOB

Your mouth. “Shut your gob!” means the same as “Shut up!” But to gob on someone means to spit on them.

GOBBY

Someone who shoots their mouth off.

GOBSMACKED

Amazed, astoun­ded.

GOER

Used to refer to a girl who’s easy. “She’s a right goer.”

GONER

Someone or some­thing that’s died or stopped work­ing. “Your PC’s a goner, I’m afraid.”

GOOLIES

Your nuts.

GORMLESS

A clue­less or clumsy per­son.

GRADUATE

Kids in Bri­tain don’t gradu­ate from high school, we leave. To be more pre­cise, we go to the pub, get leg­less, come back to school, set the fire alarms off, have a food fight on the play­ing fields and go back to the pub. We only gradu­ate from uni.

GRASS

A police informer.

GREGORY

Rhym­ing slang. Gregory Peck = neck.

GRUB

Food.

GRUB’S UP!

Din­ner is served.

GRUNDIES

Your under­wear, more spe­cific­ally male under­wear. I remem­ber this one from school, but have no idea where it came from. Doesn’t really apply to silk boxer shorts, more used to describe early 80s nylon Y-fronts from C&A.

GUFF

Fart. “Christ, who guffed?”

GUTTED

To be massively dis­ap­poin­ted or let down.

GUV

Shortened ver­sion of gov­ernor, or “guv’ner” as it’s pro­nounced in Bri­tain. Brought into pop­u­lar use thanks to 70s TV show The Sweeney, as Den­nis Water­man said it every other bloody word.

GYPPO

Short for gypsy, gyp­pos nowadays live on coun­cil estates and breed chavs. When I was in school, “gyppo” referred to the poor kids whose clothes smelled of bad milk.

H

HACKED OFF

More polite term for pissed off.

HANGING

Usu­ally applied to an ugly woman. “How can you fancy that? She’s hanging!”

HAPPY AS LARRY

I have no idea who Larry is, but if you’re over the moon with some­thing you can be said to be happy as Larry.

HARD

Used to describe someone who’s tough, as in “Don’t go near him, he’s well hard.”

HAVE ONE ON

To be in a bad mood, to be pissed off. “Did you see the state of her? She didn’t half have one on her.”

HAVING A LAUGH

If someone’s try­ing to get you to do some­thing you don’t want to do, you can respond with: “You’re hav­ing a laugh, aren’t you?” In other words, I’m not tak­ing you ser­i­ously.

HER MAJESTY’S PLEASURE

To be detained in prison with no release date. And you were expect­ing a dildo joke!

HOOKEY

Dodgy stuff, usu­ally stolen.

HOOKEY STREET

Where hookey gear comes from.

HOOVER

What we call a vacuum cleaner. Named after the Hoover com­pany.

HUMP

“He’s giv­ing me the right hump” does not mean “This gen­tle­man is attempt­ing inter­course with me.” It means the per­son in ques­tion is get­ting on your nerves, annoy­ing you.

I

I’LL GET ME COAT

A use­ful phrase if you’ve made a ter­rible faux pas and need to leave in a hurry.

I’M EASY

Doesn’t mean the per­son will leap into bed with you, just means they don’t really care. “Do you want tea or cof­fee?” “I’m easy.”

INNIT

Con­trac­tion of “isn’t it”.

J

JACKANORY

A BBC kids’ TV show from the 70s involving act­ors read­ing pop­u­lar books (Bern­ard Crib­bins doing The Hob­bit was a standout show). Nowadays if someone tells you some­thing you think is porkies, you can just chant “Jack­an­ory! Jack­an­ory!” at them to express your dis­be­lief.

JACKIE BARR’S MINI

Not a slang term, just a game we played in sixth-form. Four of us would each grab a corner of Jackie Barr’s Mini and move it into new and inter­est­ing pos­i­tions in the car park. This went on for a while before Jackie sussed out who was doing it. She once gave me a lift home on a hot day, and on open­ing the dash­board air vent I was showered in dead flies.

JAFFA

A sterile man. Jaffa oranges are seed­less.

JAM SANDWICH

Older ick­name for a Brit­ish police car when they had a white top and bot­tom with a red stripe through the middle. Nowadays they’re col­oured a vile yellow-green and have more stripes than a zebra.

JAMMY

Someone who’s lucky, usu­ally undeservedly.

JAMMY DODGERS

Bis­cuits which have two halves with a layer of jam (jelly to the Yanks) in between. Also used to describe someone who’s been incred­ibly lucky.

JIMMY

Cock­ney rhym­ing slang. Jimmy Riddle = piddle. “I’m off for a Jimmy” means you’re going to the bath­room to relieve your­self.

JOCKO

A per­son of Scot­tish per­sua­sion.

JOHNNY

A con­dom. Also called a rub­ber johnny.

K

KAPPA SLAPPER

Used to describe a cer­tain kind of teen­age girl who wears Kappa sportswear, loads of gold jew­ellery and gen­er­ally looks like a chavvy scrub­ber.

KHARZI

Toi­let, from the Swal­hili “m’karzi” mean­ing bog.

KECKS

Trousers.

KIP

A nap. “I’m knackered - I think I’ll go for a kip.”

KNACKERED

Tired, wiped out, exhausted. Also used to describe some­thing that’s broken or worn out: “The car­pets are knackered.”

KNACKER’S YARD

Slang for a slaughter­house. If your car’s packed up, you could say it’s gone to the knacker’s yard.

KNACKERS

Your testicles.

KNEES-UP

A party.

KNOCK OFF

Two mean­ings: either to steal some­thing (“He knocked it off at Tes­cos”) or to fin­ish work (“I knocked off at six.”)

KNOCK UP

Can be used to describe get­ting someone preg­nant, but is gen­er­ally used to mean make some­thing up. “I’m starving.” “Hang on, I’ll knock up a sarnie.”

KNOCKERS

Boobs.

L

LAST ORDERS

What bar­men in Brit­ish pubs shout to let you know it’s time to get the final 10 pints in.

LEG IT

To run away from some­thing, usu­ally to escape get­ting into trouble.

LEGLESS

Drunk, pissed, hammered.

LURGIE

A mys­ter­i­ous and com­pletely fic­tional dis­ease the poor kids at school would be said to be suf­fer­ing from, mean­ing they were rendered even more socially isol­ated than nor­mal.

LUVVLY JUBBLY

A clas­sic example of a term enter­ing pop­u­lar use via a TV show. Means something’s fine and was used end­lessly in Only Fools and Horses.

M

‘MOTE

Short form of remote con­trol. “Bung the ‘mote over!”

MAD FOR IT

A leg­acy of the early-90s Madchester music scene, say­ing someone’s mad for it means they’re up for it, whatever “it” hap­pens to be. Usu­ally pro­nounced “mad ferit”.

MADE UP

Not some­thing that’s been inven­ted, it means to be very happy and con­tent. “He’s made up now his mis­sus has dropped the sprog.”

MAM

Welsh pro­noun­ci­ation of “mum”.

MANKY

Gone off, past its sell by date. “Don’t eat that, it looks manky.”

MARATHON

Noth­ing to do with wast­ing four hours run­ning, a Mara­thon was what we in the UK had before the powers-that-be decided to go all global and rename it “Snick­ers”. Smal­ler in size and with less pea­nuts, the transat­lantic impostor is resen­ted to this day.

MARE

A very bad day/situation. A con­trac­tion of night­mare: “How was your day?” “An utter bloody mare.” Also used to describe an ugly woman: “That Cam­illa Parker-Bowles is a right mare”.

MATE

A friend, usu­ally male. The plural can include girls.

MINGER

Pro­nounced “ming-er” this means an ugly or just unsa­voury woman. “Have you seen his new bird? What a minger!”

MINGING

Either someone who’s ugly or who’s smelly, dirty. Also used to describe someone who’s wrecked after a night out.

MINTED

Someone who’s loaded with cash.

MOBY

Your mobile phone. “Hang on, I’ll call you on the moby.”

MONKEY

Five hun­dred pounds. Comes from sol­diers sta­tioned in India back in the days of the Empire - the 500 rupee note had a pic­ture of a mon­key on it, so on return­ing to Bri­tain they used the phrase to describe 500 quid.

MOTOR

A car.

MORE E, VICAR?

What you should say imme­di­ately after burp­ing.

MULLERED

Hammered, smashed. Either used to describe a state of drunke­ness (“I was mullered last night”) or to express the defeat of your team (“Wales mullered Scot­land”).

MULTI-STOREY CAR PARK

What Amer­ic­ans call a park­ing struc­ture. All Brit­ish multi-storey car parks are vastly over­priced - it used to cost me $25 a day to park in Cardiff and even­tu­ally I star­ted illeg­ally park­ing on double-yellow lines as it was cheaper to get two park­ing tick­ets a week. The stair­ways inev­it­ably stink of stale piss, there’s usu­ally a tramp asleep on one or more floors and they con­tain pub­lic urin­als that go up and down, have but­tons and slid­ing doors and in many other ways resemble lifts.

MUM

Your mother.

MUN

A Welsh one, used for emphasis as you’re yelling at someone. Sort of means the same as “man” but without the taint of hip­pie­dom. If there are 72,500 Wales fans at the Mil­len­nium Sta­dium at least 72,498 of them will yell “Come on, mun!” at some point dur­ing the game.

MUNTED

Out of it, off your head. “Did you see the state I was in last night? Abso­lutely mun­ted!”

MY SON

Sort of an Eng­lish ver­sion of “mun”. “Come on, my son!”

N

NADS

Testicles.

NAFF

Cheap or tacky. Best used to describe the clothes you can buy at Aberd­are Mar­ket.

NARK

Same as “grass”.

NARKED

Annoyed, pissed off.

NATTER

Talk­ing, chat­ter­ing.

NERK

Another one from a TV show which entered pub­lic use. Por­ridge was broad­cast from 1974-1977 and was set in the fic­tional HM Prison Slade. As the show was broad­cast at 7.30pm the writers couldn’t use real swear words so inven­ted “nerk” as a word the cast (mainly Ron­nie Barker as Fletcher) could use without caus­ing aggro.

NICE ONE

A gen­eral com­ment in appre­ci­ation of some­thing someone else has done. Mainly used if your mate lets rip a whop­per.

NICK

To nick some­thing is to steal it. Also used as a term for prison.

NICKED

To be caught or arres­ted. “I got nicked tak­ing a ste­reo out of Curry’s.”

NIPPER

A small child.

NIPPY

Cold, parky. Note: Sixty-five degrees is not nippy.

NOB

Your willy, or a stu­pid per­son, or a posh per­son.

NOBBLE

To tamper with some­thing, usu­ally in order to change the out­come: “Someone’s nobbled their player.”

NORKS

Boobs, usu­ally the large kind.

NOSH-UP

A big meal or feast. “Christ­mas din­ner was a great nosh-up this year.”

NOT DONE A HAND’S TURN

Used to describe someone who’s turned up to work but done bug­ger all. “Look at him - he’s not done a hand’s turn all bloody day.”

NOT HALF

If you agree with someone to a great extent, you could reply with “not half!” The cor­rect pro­noun­ci­ation is “not ‘arf!”

NOTES

Money. “How much was the ste­reo?” “Three hun­dred notes.”

NOW IN A MINUTE

One not heard out­side South Wales, unless it’s at my par­ents’ house. Means “I’ll do it now”, even if it gives the oppos­ite impres­sion.

NOWT

A North­ern way of say­ing “noth­ing”.

NUDDY

If you’re in the nuddy it means you’re nude.

NUT

Your head.

NUTTER

A per­son who is mad, crazy. Every Tube train must, by law, con­tain at least two nut­ters. The trick is to get on the car­riage they’re not.

O

OFF MY HEAD

“I was off my head last night” means “I was wrecked last night.”

OFF THE BACK OF A LORRY

How hookey gear is delivered to Hookey Street.

OFF YOUR TROLLEY

If you’re off your trol­ley, you’re a nut­ter. Also used to describe being drunk.

OFFIE

The off-license, the Brit ver­sion of a liquor store.

OGGIE OGGIE OGGIE!

A chant heard at rugby matches. If any one fan stands up and yells this, the sup­port­ers around him are obliged to respond with “OI! OI! OI!”

OI!

A shout for atten­tion. “Oi mate! Your car’s on fire!”

OLD BILL

Nick­name for the Brit­ish police.

ON THE SLATE

Slang for “put it on my tab”.

OUT OF ORDER

Usu­ally seen on signs attached to phone boxes, vend­ing machines and pub­lic bogs, to be out of order also means you’re act­ing in an inap­pro­pri­ate or dis­respect­ful man­ner. Slap­ping your boss is out of order. Tran­scend­ing “out of order” to “well out of order” means viol­ence is about to come your way.

OVER THE MOON

To be over the moon is to be very happy indeed.

P

PADDY

Someone of Irish per­sua­sion, but can also be used to describe being in a bad mood. “Look at him! He’s in a right paddy!”

PANTS

Your under­wear. Also used to describe some­thing crappy: “U2 are utter pants these days.”

PAGGA

Matt Mer­ritt makes his second appear­ance on this page for this one, although I don’t think even he tried to get pagga into a head­line. Pagga pretty much means the same as aggro, just sounds bet­ter.

PARKY

Cold. Used to describe the Brit­ish weather for approx­im­ately seven months of the year.

PAVEMENT PIZZA

St Mary’s Street in Cardiff was usu­ally covered in pave­ment piz­zas on a Sat­urday morn­ing. Means the large splats of vomit made by pissed-up chavs the night before. Extra points were awar­ded for con­sist­ency, pat­tern and over­all artistic effect.

PEAR-SHAPED

A situ­ation or action that’s gone wrong. “We were doing OK until the second half, then it all went pear-shaped.” A ruder ver­sion is com­ing up a bit later.

PETE TONG

Rhym­ing slang for “wrong”, named after a BBC Radio One DJ. I’m sure there’s more to this but I’m a work, so there.

PIE MONSTER

Derog­at­ory term for a fat per­son.

PIECE OF CAKE

Some­thing that’s easy, a doddle.

PIECE OF PISS

A ruder term for some­thing that’s easy or a doddle.

PIKEY

Means the same as gyppo and was another insult aimed at the poor kids in school (but from a safe dis­tance as they all suffered from lur­gie).

PILLOCK

A stu­pid or dopey per­son.

PISS POOR

Use this one to describe some­thing that’s abysmal or a poor effort. “How was England’s defence?” “Piss poor as usual.”

PISS-UP

A drink­ing ses­sion, a night in the pub. If someone’s badly organ­ised you could say they couldn’t organ­ise a piss-up in a brew­ery.

PISSED

In Amer­ican: angry. In Brit­ish: drunk. If you feel you were bey­ond pissed the night before you may qual­ify “pissed” by adding “as a newt”, “as a rat” or “as a fart”.

PISSING AROUND

Mess­ing about.

PISSING DOWN

If it’s piss­ing down it’s rain­ing heav­ily. As you might ima­gine, this is used on an almost daily basis in Bri­tain.

PISSTAKE

A par­ody or satire. “Air­plane!” is a piss­take on dis­aster movies.

PLANK

Someone who’s unusu­ally dense is a plank.

PLASTERED

Drunk, smashed, pissed as a newt.

PLAYING LIKE DONKEYS

If your team is not exactly per­form­ing well, they’re play­ing like don­keys. Global brand man­age­ment com­pany and part-time foot­ball team Manchester Utd usu­ally play like don­keys before spawn­ing a goal in the last minute.

PLONK

Gen­eric term for cheap wine.

PLONKER

Another one pop­ular­ised by Only Fools and Horses. Means a stu­pid per­son.

PONY

Twenty-five pounds ster­ling.

PONY AND TRAP

Rhym­ing slang for crap. “You’re talk­ing a load of pony” or “I’m off for a pony”.

POOFTER

A gay man.

PORKIES

Cock­ney rhym­ing slang. Pork pies = lies, so if someone’s telling an untruth they’re telling porkies.

PORRIDGE

Slang for prison, or doing a prison term.

POSTING

An ancient sport found in many Brit­ish schools. Post­ing involves two teams who each grab an ankle of their vic­tim and drag him towards some kind of upright post in order to crush his nuts. For max­imum effect the vic­tim was some­times picked up and swung into the post, thus cut­ting down on the fric­tion between his arse and the car­pet.

POT TO PISS IN

Broke, out of money. “Are you com­ing to the pub?” “Nah, I don’t have a pot to piss in.”

POTLESS

More polite way of say­ing the above.

PRAT

An idiot, a stu­pid per­son.

PUKKA

Authen­tic. “Is that Rolex a fake or pukka?”

PULL

To go out on the pull means to go look­ing for a bird.

PWP

Sort of pro­nounced “pup”, this is Welsh for poo.

Q

QUEER

A gay per­son.

QUID

One pound ster­ling.

QUIM

A lady’s front bot­tom.

R

RANDY

In the UK this means horny. If a cute Amer­ican girl was to go into a pub and intro­duce her­self by say­ing, “Hi! I’m Randy!”, the judge would be forced to dis­miss the case.

RAT-ARSED

Drunk, hammered. “Christ I was rat-arsed last night.”

RATTED

More polite way of say­ing rat-arsed.

RED RING DISEASE

What you’re afflic­ted with after a strong curry. Symp­toms include walk­ing gingerly and a con­tinu­ing need to run to the khazi.

RESULT

If you’ve had a good day and everything’s gone right, you could say you’ve had a res­ult.

REVERSE CHARGES

To call col­lect.

RICHARD

More Cock­ney rhym­ing slang. Richard the Third = turd, so say­ing “I’m off for a Richard” means you’re going for a crap.

RIGHT

Brits use this sort of in the same way as Amer­ic­ans use “totally”. Usu­ally sub­sti­tuted for “very”, as in “right knackered” or “you look a right tit”.

RING

To ring someone up means to phone them.

RINGPIECE

Your bum­hole.

RIPPED TO THE TITS

Out of your face, smashed.

ROBBED

My mate Dave still believes Eng­land were robbed at the end of their game against Wales in 1999, whereas me and Blunty put it down to shit defend­ing by the Eng­lish and a mas­ter­ful run by Scott Gibbs. Which it was. “Robbed” means you feel you’ve had vic­tory unjustly taken away, usu­ally at the last minute.

ROLL-UP

A roll-your-own cigar­ette.

ROGER

Sex.

ROSIE

Rhym­ing slang. Rosie Lee = tea.

ROUND

Buy­ing a round of drinks in the pub means get­ting every­one in your group a drink. Rounds usu­ally go in turns, although you can usu­ally guar­an­tee there’s someone who’s pur­posely not brought enough money to buy more than one.

RUBY

Ruby Mur­ray = curry. More rhym­ing slang.

RUGGER

Short for rugby.

RUMPY-PUMPY

Another one mean­ing sex.

S

SACK

To sack someone is to fire them, although it takes a lot more to be sacked in Bri­tain than it does in Amer­ica.

SAD

Usu­ally applied to someone’s hobby or to a per­son in gen­eral who is an anorak. “You’re a train­spot­ter? You sad bas­tard.”

SARNIE

A sand­wich. “Do you want some­thing to eat?” “I’ll have a bacon sarnie, thanks.”

SARKY

To be sar­castic.

SAUSAGE

I always thought this was a term of endear­ment, as in “Hello, my old saus­age!” But lifelong Ponty fan Mr J Cooper e-mailed me to say it also means someone who’s attract­ive: “She’s saus­age”.

SAVVY

To be adept at some­thing, or gen­er­ally just bright. “Ask him, he’s computer-savvy.”

SCALLY

Another name for people from Liv­er­pool. Has a kind of jaunty feel to it, which soon wears off once you visit the city and have your car nicked.

SCRAP

A fight or a punch-up. Any fight at school would imme­di­ately be sur­roun­ded by a cirlce of kids all yelling “SCRAP! SCRAP!” at the tops of their voices.

SCROTE

Someone who’s unsa­voury.

SEND-UP

If you send someone up you’re tak­ing the piss out of them. “Top Secret!” is a send-up of spy movies, whereas the Aus­tin Powers films are just shite.

SEPTIC TANK

Cock­ney rhym­ing slang for Yank.

SCORE

Twenty pounds ster­ling. Also means to shag a bird: “I scored a cracker last night.”

SCOUSER

Someone from the fine city of Liv­er­pool. Scousers often leave their home town by train and return by car.

SHAG

To have a shag is to engage in rumpy-pumpy.

SHAGGED OUT

Tired out, knackered. “I’ve had a long day at work and I’m shagged out.” Can be shortened to “shagged” if you’re too shagged out to say two words.

SICK AS A PARROT

The dir­ect oppos­ite of over the moon. To be gut­ted, dev­ast­ated.

SHIRTY

Bad-tempered.

SHITE

Same as shit, but more eas­ily dragged out for emphasis: “Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiite!!”

SHUFTY

Brought back by Brit­ish sol­diers who served in North Africa dur­ing World War II. Based on an Arabic word and means to have a look. “This thing won’t work.” “Bring it over here, I’ll have a shufty.”

SKIVE

Amer­ic­ans skip class, we skive school.

SLAG

Two mean­ings: To slag someone off is to talk trash about them. A slag is a slutty girl.

SLAPPER

A slutty girl, or one who just looks like she is. We Brits don’t dis­crim­in­ate too much when it comes to insults.

SLASH

I once observed a bloke tak­ing a slash off plat­form three of Houn­slow East Tube sta­tion. Means to have a piss.

SLOSHED

Pissed as a newt, rat-arsed.

SMART

Gen­eral com­ment used in the same way as “sor­ted”.

SMASHED

Drunk.

SNOG

Means the same as the Amer­ican phrase mak­ing out, only a lot more vis­ceral.

SNUFFED IT

If someone’s snuffed it, they’ve died. Can be applied to cars, cats, com­puters and just about any­thing else.

SOD

Another one with many uses. If someone’s a sod they’re a git. “Oh sod it!” is an exclam­a­tion of anger, “sod off” means the same as “get lost”. A use­ful one due to its usage to describe a chunk of lawn, although yelling “Sod off!” at someone in class could never be explained away as “I was just telling him to lawn off, miss.” A trip to the headmaster’s office invari­ably fol­lowed.

SOD ALL

Noth­ing. “How much dosh do you have?” “Sod all.”

SOD’S LAW

If it can go wrong, it will.

SORTED

If you’ve got the job done, it’s sor­ted. A per­sonal favour­ite.

SPACK UP

To mess some­thing up, usu­ally in a spec­tac­u­larly stu­pid man­ner.

SPACKER

Someone who’s not only incred­ibly dense but clumsy with it.

SPANGLED

Stoned out of your tree.

SPAWNY

A jammy per­son. “How did the spawny git pull her?”

SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP

Laugh­ably ridicu­lous phrase ban­died about by Brit­ish politi­cians like Thatcher and Blair but unheard of out­side the UK. Basic­ally means Bri­tain bends over back­wards to help Amer­ica, whereas the Yanks wouldn’t cross the road to piss on us if we were on fire in the gut­ter.

SPLASH OUT

To spend money, usu­ally on a one-off pur­chase. “I’ve splashed out on a new MP3 player.”

SPROG

A baby or small child. Sprogs are never born, only dropped.

SQUITS

The shits.

STARKERS

Nude. For the full effect it can be lengthened to “stark bol­lock naked”.

STIR

Slang for prison.

STITCH THIS

If you’re hav­ing some aggro with someone and they say, “Yeah? Well stitch this!” then duck as they’re about to swing a punch at you.

STONE ME!

Good grief. “You’ll never believe this, but UFOs have landed in Kent.” “Stone me!”

STONE THE CROWS

An exclam­a­tion of sur­prise.

STONKER

Some­thing huge. Your typ­ical menu item at Claim Jumper is a stonker.

STONKING

“Christ, your house is stonk­ing!” means “Good gra­cious, your house is very large.” Can also be used to refer to a good-looking bird: “Stone me, she’s stonk­ing!” The allit­er­a­tion is optional.

STRAIGHT UP

If you ques­tion some­thing one of your mates told you and he replies “straight up!” it means he’s telling you the hon­est truth. Even if it is porkies.

STROP

Someone who’s in a strop is in a bad mood.

STROPPY

A moody or miser­able per­son. “Don’t go near her, she’s a right stroppy cow.”

STUFF IT

Sod it. Means you’ve had enough of some­thing. “Stuff this, I’m going out.”

STUFF THIS FOR A GAME OF SOLDIERS

When you’ve abso­lutely had enough of some­thing, say­ing this before storm­ing out lets every­one know how you feel.

SUSS

To work some­thing out. “I think I’ve sussed the microwave” means you’ve worked out how to use it.

SWEET AS A NUT

“How did it go?” “Sweet as a nut.” Means everything went fine.

SYRUP

A wig. More Cock­ney rhym­ing slang - syrup ‘n’ figs = wig.

T

TA

Short for thanks.

TAFFY

Term for a Welsh per­son, after the River Taff.

TAKES THE BISCUIT

If some­thing takes the bis­cuit, it’s the best and can’t be bettered.

TAKE THE MICKEY

To make fun of someone.

TAKE THE PISS

If you take the piss out of some­thing you make fun of it. Many Amer­ic­ans are per­plexed as to why Brits have a built-in abil­ity to take the piss. It’s because our sense of humour is based on irony and sar­casm.

TALENT

Usu­ally applied to good-looking girls.

TALENT-SPOTTING

Talent-spotting in Bri­tain has more to do with going to the pub and check­ing out the birds than look­ing for the next movie star, although the res­ults can some­times be the same.

TARA

Pro­nounced “Taraaa!”, it means good­bye.

TART

A scrub­ber or slap­per.

TART UP

To clean up or gen­er­ally improve.

TASTY

Nor­mally applied to good-looking girls, can also be used to describe an inan­im­ate object: “That new Audi is a tasty motor.”

TELLY

Short for tele­vi­sion.

TENNER

Ten pounds ster­ling.

THROW A SPANNER IN THE WORKS

To mess some­thing up, usu­ally spoil­ing it for someone else.

THROW A WOBBLY

To get in a right tem­per. “Mum didn’t half throw a wobbly when she saw the state of the liv­ing room.”

THROW YOUR TOYS OUT OF THE PRAM

To get in a massive strop, the kind where you resemble a scream­ing baby. Hence the “toys out of pram” bit. Hav­ing snot run­ning out of your nose is optional.

TIDY

Another one used to describe a good-looking woman.

TIGHT AS A DUCK’S ARSE

Chocker. “Can you get this story on the page?” “No chance, it’s tight as a duck’s arse.”

TITS UP

When some­thing goes wrong, it can be said to have gone tits up.

TODGER

Your willy.

TOE RAG

A per­son who’s a nasty piece of work.

TOM ‘N’ DICK

Rhym­ing slang for sick. “I can’t come to work, I feel a bit tom ‘n’ dick.”

TON

One hun­dred pounds ster­ling. Also used to describe any­thing that’s 100, eg speed: “I was doing a ton down the M4 when the cop­pers nicked me.”

TOTTY

An attract­ive girl.

TROLLEYED

Smashed, hammered, pissed as a newt.

TWATTED

Same as trol­leyed.

TWOCK

Brit­ish police-speak for “tak­ing without con­sent”; nick­ing a car to you and me. Twock­ing is pretty much a cot­tage industry in many parts of the UK, with the torched remains bright­en­ing up many an oth­er­wise drab stretch of dual car­riage­way (the A470 near Rhydy­car being a clas­sic example).

TWOCKER

Someone who twocks. See Chav for a descrip­tion of your typ­ical twocker.

TWONK

An idiot. Pretty inof­fens­ive.

U

UNI

Short for uni­ver­sity. School in Bri­tain is just for kids.

UP THE DUFF

Preg­nant.

UP THE SPOUT

Another one for preg­nant.

UPHILL GARDENER

A gay man.

V

VEG OUT

To veget­ate, chill out. Usu­ally involves sit­ting on the sofa and star­ing at the telly.

VERBAL

Abuse. “He gave me a load of verbal, so I clocked him one.”

VINO

Gen­eral term for wine, although more likely to be applied to a bottle of plonk picked up in Asda for four quid rather than a 1939 Chardon­nay.

W

WAD

A bundle of money.

WALLY

Massively pop­u­lar in the 80s. Means a stu­pid per­son, but was also applied to the kind of man who never quite stopped being a boy racer - the kind who spots an out­door TV broad­cast and jumps up and down in the back­ground shout­ing “hello mum”.

WANGLE

To get some­thing via decep­tion. “I wangled a day off by pre­tend­ing to be ill.”

WANKER

Either someone who’s hor­rible, con­tempt­ible, or an idiot. The first kind of wanker usu­ally hangs around in groups of five because, as Eddie Izzard put it, they’ve only got a fifth of a per­son­al­ity each. The kind of bloke who thinks it’s fun to go out, get rat-arsed and then pick a fight with someone half his size is a wanker. The second kind of wanker is found every­where.

WATERWORKS

Slang for cry­ing.

WAZ

A slash.

WAZZOCK

A bit on the archaic side, it means an idiot or stu­pid per­son.

WELL

Used to add emphasis. Things can be well crap, well hot, well manky.

WELLY

“Give it some welly!” means “try harder!”, usu­ally at some­thing like soc­cer. Can also mean accel­er­a­tion (“Give it some welly now the road’s clear”). At its most basic, it’s short for Wel­ling­ton boot.

WERP

When I was in high school in mid-Wales it was a pretty rural area with loads of farms. For some reason “werp” was the name given to any­one who lived or worked on a farm - the kind of kids who couldn’t read or write but could drive a 25-gear tractor by the age of eight.

WHAT FOR

If you’re going to give someone what for, you’re going to beat the crap out of them.

WHIP-ROUND

To hold a col­lec­tion of cash for someone. “He’s leav­ing today and we’re hav­ing a whip-round to get him some­thing.”

WHITE VAN MAN

It’s a given fact in the UK that you can take the meekest, mild­est man alive, stick him in the driv­ing seat of a white Ford Transit and he’ll turn into the biggest wanker on the planet. White Van Man syn­drome afflicts 99.9% of all Transit drivers and is char­ac­ter­ised by speed­ing, cut­ting people up, tail­gat­ing, excess­ive use of the horn and a tend­ency to shout “oi darlin’” at any passing girl. They truly are arse­holes to a man, and guar­an­teed “Sun” read­ers.

WHO ATE ALL THE PIES?

An insult shouted at fat people.

WILLY

Your nob.

WIND UP

To play a trick on someone

WONKY

Wobbly. “Shit, we’ve picked the one wonky table in the whole place.”

WOTCHA

Orwight? A gen­eral greet­ing.

WOUND UP

To be aggrav­ated or pissed off, usu­ally because someone’s been wind­ing you up.

X

Noth­ing for X yet.

Y

YCH A FI

Welsh phrase mea­ing yuck.

YOB

A hor­rible or uncouth young man. Can also be applied to about 75% of Eng­land soc­cer fans.

YONKS

A long time. “I haven’t seen him in yonks.”

YOU’RE NOT SINGING ANY MORE

Chant sang at soc­cer matches dir­ec­ted at the oppos­ing team’s fans, usu­ally after the oppos­ing team has blown a lead.

Z

ZED

How we pro­nounce the let­ter Z.

461 entries as of August 22 2005. Many thanks to Flynn, Jules, Laura, Gareth, Mark and Gareth for help with this. Copy­right © Mut 2005.